Infidelity comes unexpectedly upon marriage finding us unprepared in spite of all the dissolved marriages we have witnessed, no matter how many friends we have advised or "covered", in spite of the confidence or suspicion we have had towards our closest person. It is like the flu - we believe that it will happen to someone else and will pass us by. Accidental or not it is an event in our lives - a "stumbling-block" for our marriage and relationship that we do not know how to surmount or cope with.

Infidelity is often a reason for people to need some advice and sharing. Depending on how people will look upon what has happened, how they will refer to it and get over it infidelity can become a "hurricane", which might wipe away their marriage, life and everything already achieved. It might destroy their relations forever. Then there will set the loneliness, disappointment and hatred, self-pity and hostility, the tools of which will happen to be the children and belongings.

"Who is guilty?" - a tricky question we ask ourselves in search for the truth, the reason why, hoping not to feel so much hurt and betrayed.

Is the wife guilty for not smiling and being tender to her husband and not paying him attention and giving him love being overwhelmed with cares, lacking money and having many worries? Is the woman, who forgets to take care of and love herself, tired of her own fears and struggles, guilty?

On the other hand, is the husband the guilty one, having kind of lost self-confidence because of the unrealizable requirements of his wife, at work and of life itself? Is he guilty - needing tender care, love and attention, despite of the things he has not achieved, compared to the "invisible things" he did achieve.

The questions and answers stir the cyclone of accusation, grief and insults. The "centrifugal forces" of ambitiousness and vengeance step in. The "storm" bursts forth with the help of the past, filled with facts and proofs, which reinforce the fury of relations and feelings.

"Who is guilty?" is as clear a question as dangerous for marriage. It can become even more dangerous than infidelity itself.

If people manage to turn infidelity into a chance to talk about the feelings and experiences they missed, for having been pressed by everyday life they did not give to each other, then they will be able to find out what they do not want to cause each other, what the family has been missing and what they have not given to their closest person.

"How to accept it, to forgive and forget?" - this is a way-out question and a chance to discover our selves - to forget our hurt pride and ambitiousness, to find the patience and generosity in us with our ability to forgive and be stronger than the other and the circumstances. The answer to that question is a chance for saving the family and it makes infidelity a "reversible circumstance".

What we discover is the "grown -up" in us, who helps us recover, when we feel hurt and betrayed, disappointed as a "child".

"The future of marriage or the marriage of the future" is a conception of the Hungarian psychologist and investigator of marriage Vilmosh Silagi. It is an audacious alternative for strengthening the partners' relations when they are exhausted and inert. Vilmosh Silagi offers an approach for emotional and effective restoration of marriage by its "opening". It can happen with the mutual consent of both partners for a definite period and the mutual wish for saving the marriage. According to his investigations after the period of "opening" the partners rediscover each other and the marriage is emotionally refreshed.

This conception might be provocative for the Bulgarian way of thinking expressed in preference for sham and duplicity in family's emotional relationship.

However, it rejects questions like "How will ambitiousness be overcome?"; "Who will prevail: wisdom or revenge?"; "Is it possible to forgive but not forget?".

By Julia Dalakova